So many of you know how much I love dancing - I've done some crazy things in my life time for the sake of dancing including agreeing to partner with someone in Lindy aerials at the VSO without ever having met the person. Boy was it a mistake - still he paid for the workshops so I guess I can't complaint. That was a few years back - you would think I have learn to be more prudent about my dancing and pace myself accordingly - NOT.
Last year was a crazy year for me, between work and dance - I must have travelled at least once every month if not twice a month. It got to the point where everyone is always asking where have I been. I was so exhausted from the travel, my new year resolution was to not travel anymore for the rest of the year (outside of my asia trip in october). Was I able to follow my resolution? Didn't even last two months. Near the end of February - I travel to San Francisco for a weekend salsa trip and then two weeks later, a trip to LA for a cruise. Now if that's not insane I don't know what is - especially since its on the other side of the country.
I need to pick my trips better so I'm not always recovering from jet lag. Still, I have no regrets on going on this latest trip to Ensenada , Mexico on a four day cruise leaving from LA. Even though it is my least favorite cruise line - I still had a blast. It helps not to have too much expectation when it comes to the accommodations. The people I met were all very nice and all loved blues dancing as much if not more than me. I met some really interesting people from a serious dead ringer for Jenna Elfman to a guy who works on the production of modern family. Guess it helps the trip started in LA. We played musical chair for our dinner meal and ended up sitting at a different table each evening with different folks from the group. It was a fabulous way to meet the other folks in the group.
There were many awesome leads and I was able to pick up on a couple of dip moves that I was not familiar with - majority of the dancers were very good and it made the evening dances amazing. The only detractor was the weather, while friday was okay - I was actually in my winter coat for two of the nights. Some how my brain thought the weather was going to be in the 80's - NOT. I definitely had not packed properly for the trip.
It was crazy cold both in the morning and in the evenings. I did however brave the 40 degree weather in the morning to jump in the hot tub at 8 am each morning to soak away the aches from the night before and also to enjoy the relaxation of no one else being there. That was sublime... now if only the cruise was to the bahamas in warmer weather.....:-) While I'm not sure I would do it again - I am glad I did do it because I met so many interesting people and so many other styles of blues dancing I hadn't done before....it definitely kept it interesting.
Now - what fun trip should I plan next? Since I've given up on the new year resolution - there are two events I really want to try - cube in june over in cold Chicago and austin blues party in july in Texas....so the question now is should I or shouldn't I??? Guess I have a few months to decide.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Travel Time
So I spent last weekend in San Francisco - it's amazing how every time I go there - the weather back here is absolutely gorgeous and the weather there sucks royally. Still - I love the city. If only it would be a reasonable temp most of the year - I would so move there in an instance and of course if there is less transient. (:-)) Somebody once mentioned to me that they wonder where all the NYC homeless people went - I think they all went to SF. There's quite a few in downtown SF. Anyway, it is still well worth visiting for the most part.
Day 1:
I don't know what I was thinking of but this year, instead of going with direct flight, went and took a flight that stopped off in Milwaukee - what should have been a five/six hour trip ended up taking over 8 hours - needless to say I was exhausted by the time I got to the hotel.
I must say - having dinner at The Slanted Door did make up for the exhaustion and the miserable weather when I arrived in town. Now, why can't something like that exist in Maryland? Of course, I probably would gain 20 lbs just going through its entire menu....but it would be SO well worth it. :-)
The trip was an interesting one as I was spending it at a Salsa Casino Convention. Since these days, my focus is on blues, going to this convention is my one and only yearly salsa event that I attend. It was nicely participated and there were some awesome dancers - I had a blast dancing with these folks even though I was probably stepping on more toes this year what with my muscle memory wanting to do blues rather than salsa. :-) Still it was fun....I also did get a chance to try out the friday blues scene in SF. I was slightly disappointed in that there weren't more great dancers - I had the impression from what everyone said to me that it has one of the most amazing scenes....NOT. Still - I probably had the BEST blues dance ever with this guy - and it was the last dance before I left - so well worth the $25 in taxi fare to get there for it. I went back to do salsa after leaving the blues dance but only made it pass 1AM before I finally had to concede and go to bed.
Day 2:
There were plenty of workshop offerings at this event and I decided to sign up for a few. Not too much since I'm doing it more for fun then anything else - I decided to take the two rueda class with this amazing instructor from Miami (Ramoni Nicholi - his name is iffy as I don't have the flyer on me anymore). Anyway, I always enjoy taking classes from this guy as he has a very nice style and he was one of the first from the miami scene who came up with a lot of the moves that I learned when I was studying miami style rueda. The classes were fun and I was glad I attended - one of my most priceless moment came in the first class I took - the description of the classes weren't too clear and some beginners had wandered into the class without knowing what they were getting into. One guy asked me to back lead him in three of the basic moves so he could do this particular move. Another guy was even funnier - it seem that during the entire class - the followers who danced with him had been back leading him when he came to a particularly complex part probably without telling him - so he was expecting the follower to do something instead of him - I didn't and he turned to look at me as if to say why am I not moving - his expression was priceless...I resist the temptation to say - he's the lead - not me. Still I kept quiet and just quickly moved on to the next lead. I was able to follow along quite nicely and was happy to note that I can still hold my own.
I didn't get to try anything special for dinner - we were suppose to go out for Brazilian food but ended up not being able to do that as we had no reservation. The decision to just walk until something interesting comes around definitely was not good for me. I won't be doing it again. I was with a group of folks and when they got tire of being told they needed reservations - we ended up at a middle eastern joint. Now, while my taste buds have expanded a bit - I still strongly dislike middle eastern food - not sure whether its the spice or what - but anyway, since I didn't like the food - I pretty much just hung out there while everyone ate and then headed back to the hotel and grab some fish and chips from the local diner. While not exotic or special - it is pretty tasty - in spite of the service (it can be seriously slow) - I enjoy the food there - had breakfast there every day while I was in town. :-)
The show that evening was awesome - however I had been up since 3 am that morning so was really exhausted by then. I persevere and watched the show and dance for a few more hours. I had told myself I would stay til the end as this was the main day I was spending on dance but I only made it to 1:30AM then gave in.
Day 3:
Okay - so it is insane to travel this far to go catch a movie instead but I really had no interest in doing much on that day aside from going to Alcatraz but since sunday was the only nice day the entire weekend - the tour was totally sold out. Since I was planning on getting on the red eye that evening - I decided to go with relaxation. I ended up going to the Metreon to catch "I am number Four" at their IMAX theatre (what was awesome was that it was not a fake quasi psuedo imax but the real thing) It was almost scary to walk into that theatre. I enjoyed the movie - and while there I discovered a nice tiny sushi place that I really liked. It had some seriously tasty udon noodles. I would so go there again.
The flight going home was uneventful although it was delay by an hour so I didn't catch it until midnight - I got home the next day relatively early in the day. Still - I don't think I would do that again - it was way too exhausting.
I think trips is a great time for reflection - during this trip I came to a realization - there are many people in our lives that we spent time with often and whom we might consider friends but in reality are nothing more than casual acquaintances and yet there are those whom we rarely ever see and yet they will always be someone we can count on to have our back when we need it. The strangeness of that is just mind boggling...A thought came to mind - is it the limited amount of time we spent together that strengthens our bonds with each other or is it that we spent too much time together with others that makes one more incline to take others for granted and be more cavalier? Something for me to mull over in the next couple of weeks as I will be on a traveling stint for the next few months......some time soon I will need to get some rest but not now....always something to learn..... :-)
Day 1:
I don't know what I was thinking of but this year, instead of going with direct flight, went and took a flight that stopped off in Milwaukee - what should have been a five/six hour trip ended up taking over 8 hours - needless to say I was exhausted by the time I got to the hotel.
I must say - having dinner at The Slanted Door did make up for the exhaustion and the miserable weather when I arrived in town. Now, why can't something like that exist in Maryland? Of course, I probably would gain 20 lbs just going through its entire menu....but it would be SO well worth it. :-)
The trip was an interesting one as I was spending it at a Salsa Casino Convention. Since these days, my focus is on blues, going to this convention is my one and only yearly salsa event that I attend. It was nicely participated and there were some awesome dancers - I had a blast dancing with these folks even though I was probably stepping on more toes this year what with my muscle memory wanting to do blues rather than salsa. :-) Still it was fun....I also did get a chance to try out the friday blues scene in SF. I was slightly disappointed in that there weren't more great dancers - I had the impression from what everyone said to me that it has one of the most amazing scenes....NOT. Still - I probably had the BEST blues dance ever with this guy - and it was the last dance before I left - so well worth the $25 in taxi fare to get there for it. I went back to do salsa after leaving the blues dance but only made it pass 1AM before I finally had to concede and go to bed.
Day 2:
There were plenty of workshop offerings at this event and I decided to sign up for a few. Not too much since I'm doing it more for fun then anything else - I decided to take the two rueda class with this amazing instructor from Miami (Ramoni Nicholi - his name is iffy as I don't have the flyer on me anymore). Anyway, I always enjoy taking classes from this guy as he has a very nice style and he was one of the first from the miami scene who came up with a lot of the moves that I learned when I was studying miami style rueda. The classes were fun and I was glad I attended - one of my most priceless moment came in the first class I took - the description of the classes weren't too clear and some beginners had wandered into the class without knowing what they were getting into. One guy asked me to back lead him in three of the basic moves so he could do this particular move. Another guy was even funnier - it seem that during the entire class - the followers who danced with him had been back leading him when he came to a particularly complex part probably without telling him - so he was expecting the follower to do something instead of him - I didn't and he turned to look at me as if to say why am I not moving - his expression was priceless...I resist the temptation to say - he's the lead - not me. Still I kept quiet and just quickly moved on to the next lead. I was able to follow along quite nicely and was happy to note that I can still hold my own.
I didn't get to try anything special for dinner - we were suppose to go out for Brazilian food but ended up not being able to do that as we had no reservation. The decision to just walk until something interesting comes around definitely was not good for me. I won't be doing it again. I was with a group of folks and when they got tire of being told they needed reservations - we ended up at a middle eastern joint. Now, while my taste buds have expanded a bit - I still strongly dislike middle eastern food - not sure whether its the spice or what - but anyway, since I didn't like the food - I pretty much just hung out there while everyone ate and then headed back to the hotel and grab some fish and chips from the local diner. While not exotic or special - it is pretty tasty - in spite of the service (it can be seriously slow) - I enjoy the food there - had breakfast there every day while I was in town. :-)
The show that evening was awesome - however I had been up since 3 am that morning so was really exhausted by then. I persevere and watched the show and dance for a few more hours. I had told myself I would stay til the end as this was the main day I was spending on dance but I only made it to 1:30AM then gave in.
Day 3:
Okay - so it is insane to travel this far to go catch a movie instead but I really had no interest in doing much on that day aside from going to Alcatraz but since sunday was the only nice day the entire weekend - the tour was totally sold out. Since I was planning on getting on the red eye that evening - I decided to go with relaxation. I ended up going to the Metreon to catch "I am number Four" at their IMAX theatre (what was awesome was that it was not a fake quasi psuedo imax but the real thing) It was almost scary to walk into that theatre. I enjoyed the movie - and while there I discovered a nice tiny sushi place that I really liked. It had some seriously tasty udon noodles. I would so go there again.
The flight going home was uneventful although it was delay by an hour so I didn't catch it until midnight - I got home the next day relatively early in the day. Still - I don't think I would do that again - it was way too exhausting.
I think trips is a great time for reflection - during this trip I came to a realization - there are many people in our lives that we spent time with often and whom we might consider friends but in reality are nothing more than casual acquaintances and yet there are those whom we rarely ever see and yet they will always be someone we can count on to have our back when we need it. The strangeness of that is just mind boggling...A thought came to mind - is it the limited amount of time we spent together that strengthens our bonds with each other or is it that we spent too much time together with others that makes one more incline to take others for granted and be more cavalier? Something for me to mull over in the next couple of weeks as I will be on a traveling stint for the next few months......some time soon I will need to get some rest but not now....always something to learn..... :-)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Random Acts of Kindness
So these past two weeks has been totally crazy - and I think I survived it mainly thanks to the acts of strangers.
Now all of you know how spaced out I can be. I sometimes think I've inherited the absent minded professor syndrome without actually being a professor of sorts - I sometimes drift around without actually being aware of my surroundings until I get hit over the head with it. Case in point - I was at work and minding my own business but somehow was lost in thought and literally ran smack into a wall before I realized I had gone off in the wrong direction and I had reach the end of the building. I can assure you that it was quite painful and left a bruise on my forehead for a day or two.
Anyways - I've been wishing for more work so that I'm not just twiddling my thumb at work and the last two weeks - my wish has been fulfill (careful what you wish for) cause things are seriously beginning to pick up - I find myself totally swamp with trying to get all these process flows everyone suddenly wanted out in time. More on that next time when I discuss work - anyway - needless to say I've gotten to the point where even in my sleep I'm creating process flows - my brain definitely has totally filled up with objects and swim lanes floating around with no thought of anything else - I've become very absent minded with anything else. So absent minded in fact that I forgot to bring my wallet one day to work - I went to the cafeteria to pick up food and didn't realized I had no money until I was at the counter. Talk about embarrassing - anyway - I froze and was just totally mortified - a nice gentleman waiting behind me just waived me off and pay for my lunch - now that was very nice - never met him before. My first random act of kindness from a stranger - considering how cynical and narcissistic this world is becoming - it is amazing in the world of "all about me" - someone actually does something nice with no other reason but to be nice.
2nd act of kindness - I was at the korean grocery store this past weekend and for those who have shop there - know how crazy the checkout lines are - people have 30 -40 items usually. Well - strangely enough I only had 3 items this time - had an overwhelming craving for some seaweed salad and went to pick some up from there (they make really good ones) along with my two packets of seaweed treat - anyway, out of the blues - the person in front of me waived me in front of him - I stared at him in amazement - was this guy seriously going to let me through first - yup - he let me jump ahead of him since he had a cart load of stuff. Now, I know some of my asian friends will not agree, but I think most Asians (I myself included) have a different standard of courteousness - and letting others jump ahead of them in line in a check out counter is not one of them. It just wouldn't occur to me to do it - not that I wouldn't if I thought about it - but just wouldn't occur to me.
3rd act of kindness - yesterday was one of those days - I got in late from dance the night before and went and caught the 5:15 train to NYC yesterday morning. I had intended to drive but decided I was too tire to do that - anyway - after visiting with my parents than dim sum with my mom and some relatives - I was in a semi food coma (everyone know what dim sum does to you) and not in a good mood since as usual my mother could think of nothing to do but harp on my lack of marriage status and kept talking to my aunt and cousin about it and any other people who came up to talk with her - by the end of the meal - I was not a happy camper. I was happy to leave Flushing and start making my way home.
Due to the extreme cost of the train going home - I decided to take the bus - I must have been half asleep when I booked it - but I thought I had booked the 2 pm bus home but had actually booked the 4 pm. Needless to say dawdling around the streets for 2 hours was no fun and on top of that - the bus was half an hour late. By the time I got on - I was exhausted and was not feeling good - I, who have taken endless cruises and other stuff that should make one feel woozy, have never had motion sickness - some how I experience my first bout yesterday. It was not a pleasant ride back home. To top it off, it took 4 1/2 hours to get home - by the time I got to Baltimore Penn - I had miss the Marc train I had plan to take to get back to BWI. An amtrak train had just gotten in and was headed to washington - I was told I could purchase the tix on it - so I ran and got on and what happens? - the conductor told me they charge a penalty for purchasing tix on train if the amtrak office was open (which it was). It would have cost me $25 to get to BWI - I could have taken a cab for cheaper than that. He must have felt sympathetic to my look of utter sadness since he asked me where I was going again and when I said BWI which was the next stop - he directed me to the dining area and said I could sit there without charge. A nice gesture from a stranger on a much needed ending to a very long day.
So in the past two weeks - I've been fortunate to have had three strangers do something nice for no other reason than the fact that they wanted to. Makes me feel both humble and guilty since as I said before - I don't think I'm a bad person but I have to admit that more often than not - it is all about me. In point and fact - the very fact that I have a blog talking about myself and my life kinda indicates that I'm probably not someone who will be up for citizen of the month award anytime soon.... yet I like to be the kind of person who can brighten up someone else's day for no other reason except just because... (now I know my friends will say that I am a considerate person with them for the most part - at least I hope they think that. :-) Because I truly try to be - however that's because I know them). Being considerate of people you don't know takes I think a little bit more effort than being considerate of those you care about - I like to try being that kind of person - so as another resolution (it's still close enough to new year's) - I am going to try and pay it forward to someone else and hope they do the same.
Now all of you know how spaced out I can be. I sometimes think I've inherited the absent minded professor syndrome without actually being a professor of sorts - I sometimes drift around without actually being aware of my surroundings until I get hit over the head with it. Case in point - I was at work and minding my own business but somehow was lost in thought and literally ran smack into a wall before I realized I had gone off in the wrong direction and I had reach the end of the building. I can assure you that it was quite painful and left a bruise on my forehead for a day or two.
Anyways - I've been wishing for more work so that I'm not just twiddling my thumb at work and the last two weeks - my wish has been fulfill (careful what you wish for) cause things are seriously beginning to pick up - I find myself totally swamp with trying to get all these process flows everyone suddenly wanted out in time. More on that next time when I discuss work - anyway - needless to say I've gotten to the point where even in my sleep I'm creating process flows - my brain definitely has totally filled up with objects and swim lanes floating around with no thought of anything else - I've become very absent minded with anything else. So absent minded in fact that I forgot to bring my wallet one day to work - I went to the cafeteria to pick up food and didn't realized I had no money until I was at the counter. Talk about embarrassing - anyway - I froze and was just totally mortified - a nice gentleman waiting behind me just waived me off and pay for my lunch - now that was very nice - never met him before. My first random act of kindness from a stranger - considering how cynical and narcissistic this world is becoming - it is amazing in the world of "all about me" - someone actually does something nice with no other reason but to be nice.
2nd act of kindness - I was at the korean grocery store this past weekend and for those who have shop there - know how crazy the checkout lines are - people have 30 -40 items usually. Well - strangely enough I only had 3 items this time - had an overwhelming craving for some seaweed salad and went to pick some up from there (they make really good ones) along with my two packets of seaweed treat - anyway, out of the blues - the person in front of me waived me in front of him - I stared at him in amazement - was this guy seriously going to let me through first - yup - he let me jump ahead of him since he had a cart load of stuff. Now, I know some of my asian friends will not agree, but I think most Asians (I myself included) have a different standard of courteousness - and letting others jump ahead of them in line in a check out counter is not one of them. It just wouldn't occur to me to do it - not that I wouldn't if I thought about it - but just wouldn't occur to me.
3rd act of kindness - yesterday was one of those days - I got in late from dance the night before and went and caught the 5:15 train to NYC yesterday morning. I had intended to drive but decided I was too tire to do that - anyway - after visiting with my parents than dim sum with my mom and some relatives - I was in a semi food coma (everyone know what dim sum does to you) and not in a good mood since as usual my mother could think of nothing to do but harp on my lack of marriage status and kept talking to my aunt and cousin about it and any other people who came up to talk with her - by the end of the meal - I was not a happy camper. I was happy to leave Flushing and start making my way home.
Due to the extreme cost of the train going home - I decided to take the bus - I must have been half asleep when I booked it - but I thought I had booked the 2 pm bus home but had actually booked the 4 pm. Needless to say dawdling around the streets for 2 hours was no fun and on top of that - the bus was half an hour late. By the time I got on - I was exhausted and was not feeling good - I, who have taken endless cruises and other stuff that should make one feel woozy, have never had motion sickness - some how I experience my first bout yesterday. It was not a pleasant ride back home. To top it off, it took 4 1/2 hours to get home - by the time I got to Baltimore Penn - I had miss the Marc train I had plan to take to get back to BWI. An amtrak train had just gotten in and was headed to washington - I was told I could purchase the tix on it - so I ran and got on and what happens? - the conductor told me they charge a penalty for purchasing tix on train if the amtrak office was open (which it was). It would have cost me $25 to get to BWI - I could have taken a cab for cheaper than that. He must have felt sympathetic to my look of utter sadness since he asked me where I was going again and when I said BWI which was the next stop - he directed me to the dining area and said I could sit there without charge. A nice gesture from a stranger on a much needed ending to a very long day.
So in the past two weeks - I've been fortunate to have had three strangers do something nice for no other reason than the fact that they wanted to. Makes me feel both humble and guilty since as I said before - I don't think I'm a bad person but I have to admit that more often than not - it is all about me. In point and fact - the very fact that I have a blog talking about myself and my life kinda indicates that I'm probably not someone who will be up for citizen of the month award anytime soon.... yet I like to be the kind of person who can brighten up someone else's day for no other reason except just because... (now I know my friends will say that I am a considerate person with them for the most part - at least I hope they think that. :-) Because I truly try to be - however that's because I know them). Being considerate of people you don't know takes I think a little bit more effort than being considerate of those you care about - I like to try being that kind of person - so as another resolution (it's still close enough to new year's) - I am going to try and pay it forward to someone else and hope they do the same.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The trouble with age
So I am happy to say I'm still being diligent about writing in my journal. I am slowly marking down the calendar to encourage myself to keep doing it.
So have anyone noticed how similar children are to older adults? I still recall when I was taking care of my nephew how much he hated to take a nap and fought it all he was worth and yet he was always so cranky if he didn't have his nap. Well, I finally noted that about myself too - as I get older - there is a sense of urgency about living every moment and not wasting it sleeping (too be honest I've always felt that way) - anyway, I fought sleeping as much as I could and many of my friends know that I usually sleep on average about 4 hours in general. Needless to say - I've been a major b*** occasionally (or as some friends might say - all the time :-)) and funny enough - maybe I do have an excuse for being ornery since like a child I needed my sleep and didn't take it. In the last two weeks - I've been sleeping on average about 7 -8 hours a day and its been refreshing to get up in the morning and not be in a daze.
I think I've even been less incline to get irritated with the world. I'm slowly, after so many years of struggling to NOT sleep, finally learning to enjoy sleep. If I have my way these days - I'll sleep for weeks and weeks and would still feel that totally content. It is like a total new awesome invention I just came up with. However - this does cramp my lifestyle as most of my activities are in the evening. I definitely need some advice on a reasonable balance.
Obviously I haven't found it yet - I'm finding one of the things as I get older is totally forgetting the small stuff - partly it is due to lack of sleep although I can't blame it on that yesterday. Anyway, last night I had gotten home and made preparation for baking a fish in the oven. I had plan to bake it while I was with my physical therapist - figure dinner would be ready by the time I got home. I had the whole thing wrap and prepared - ready to go. I had heated up the oven and wouldn't you know it - I totally forgot to put the fish in - it was still sitting on the kitchen counter when I got home - needless to say I loss two hours of sleep because I was waiting for dinner to cook. The dinner was awesome by the way (pat on the back - I'll have to discuss it next time). Anyway - people keep saying the memory is the first to go - I'm beginning to believe it - question is - how long before the rest also goes. ;-)
So have anyone noticed how similar children are to older adults? I still recall when I was taking care of my nephew how much he hated to take a nap and fought it all he was worth and yet he was always so cranky if he didn't have his nap. Well, I finally noted that about myself too - as I get older - there is a sense of urgency about living every moment and not wasting it sleeping (too be honest I've always felt that way) - anyway, I fought sleeping as much as I could and many of my friends know that I usually sleep on average about 4 hours in general. Needless to say - I've been a major b*** occasionally (or as some friends might say - all the time :-)) and funny enough - maybe I do have an excuse for being ornery since like a child I needed my sleep and didn't take it. In the last two weeks - I've been sleeping on average about 7 -8 hours a day and its been refreshing to get up in the morning and not be in a daze.
I think I've even been less incline to get irritated with the world. I'm slowly, after so many years of struggling to NOT sleep, finally learning to enjoy sleep. If I have my way these days - I'll sleep for weeks and weeks and would still feel that totally content. It is like a total new awesome invention I just came up with. However - this does cramp my lifestyle as most of my activities are in the evening. I definitely need some advice on a reasonable balance.
Obviously I haven't found it yet - I'm finding one of the things as I get older is totally forgetting the small stuff - partly it is due to lack of sleep although I can't blame it on that yesterday. Anyway, last night I had gotten home and made preparation for baking a fish in the oven. I had plan to bake it while I was with my physical therapist - figure dinner would be ready by the time I got home. I had the whole thing wrap and prepared - ready to go. I had heated up the oven and wouldn't you know it - I totally forgot to put the fish in - it was still sitting on the kitchen counter when I got home - needless to say I loss two hours of sleep because I was waiting for dinner to cook. The dinner was awesome by the way (pat on the back - I'll have to discuss it next time). Anyway - people keep saying the memory is the first to go - I'm beginning to believe it - question is - how long before the rest also goes. ;-)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Human Nature or just personal stupidity?
So, I've mentioned its been awhile since I blogged - actually the length of time is about the same amount of time since I really took good care of myself health wise. When I first started this blog - I had just started a new job, health had improved tremendously and I was on an up beat. My doctor had just finish congratulating me on the fact that almost all symptoms of my diabetes had disappeared.
Cut to two years later - I find myself in the same bad place again that I had thought I had moved past. I remember hearing somewhere that it is in our nature to destroy ourselves (hmmm....maybe from the terminator movie). I so agree - it was as if the doctor's pronouncement was an invitation to go crazy. I ate everything that I should never touch - anything that could be consider bad - I ignore what my inner self was telling me and kept consuming them...and of course with the timely demise of my glucometer - I didn't even need to scare myself back into good behavior. Of course I always have excuses such as I'm feeling down, depress, need my comfort food but ultimately it was just self indulgence to a dangerous level.
My doctor finally force me to get another glucometer last week and boy talk about an unpleasant realization. My sugar level had jumped to over 300...I've never been that bad even at my worst. So I told myself I would be good and of course self confidence is the worst thing to have when you have to discipline yourself. I woke up yesterday and checked myself and was delighted to see 135 as my sugar level and I'm thinking not bad - so what do I do but consume a couple of bowls of congee...now I may love carb but it definitely does not love me - by evening my sugar level has once again jumped up to 289 - which is freakin ridiculous considering as anyone who knows congee..... there's barely any rice in there or so I told myself. Still - it was a painful reminder - so for today - I have not consume one iota of carb and my sugar level is back down. So I guess I'm going to try and make an effort - I'm going to give myself a carb free diet for the next two weeks and see how it goes ( I will have to give myself a freebie for dim sum that's coming up a few weekends from now)
Anyway, the whole point is I have to wonder why I would try to sabotage myself this way. Am I such a drama queen that I need to bring myself to the brink of ill health just to feature myself in the role of a semi melodramatic heroine on her death bed? I once thought that I wouldn't live to be 35 - since I'm pass that age - is it a subconscious effort to right that prediction? I guess I could just cop out and say its just innately a human defect to destroy oneself or I could just say I'm 100% being STUPID and get over it.
We'll see which wins out...for now I am going to try and overcome my stupidity and get healthy finally... let's see how long my determination last.
On an upbeat note: I finally got my telephone at work - its the first day of my 4th week with the IRS and I've finally got an official phone that actually can make and receive calls....I guess things are already looking up.
Cut to two years later - I find myself in the same bad place again that I had thought I had moved past. I remember hearing somewhere that it is in our nature to destroy ourselves (hmmm....maybe from the terminator movie). I so agree - it was as if the doctor's pronouncement was an invitation to go crazy. I ate everything that I should never touch - anything that could be consider bad - I ignore what my inner self was telling me and kept consuming them...and of course with the timely demise of my glucometer - I didn't even need to scare myself back into good behavior. Of course I always have excuses such as I'm feeling down, depress, need my comfort food but ultimately it was just self indulgence to a dangerous level.
My doctor finally force me to get another glucometer last week and boy talk about an unpleasant realization. My sugar level had jumped to over 300...I've never been that bad even at my worst. So I told myself I would be good and of course self confidence is the worst thing to have when you have to discipline yourself. I woke up yesterday and checked myself and was delighted to see 135 as my sugar level and I'm thinking not bad - so what do I do but consume a couple of bowls of congee...now I may love carb but it definitely does not love me - by evening my sugar level has once again jumped up to 289 - which is freakin ridiculous considering as anyone who knows congee..... there's barely any rice in there or so I told myself. Still - it was a painful reminder - so for today - I have not consume one iota of carb and my sugar level is back down. So I guess I'm going to try and make an effort - I'm going to give myself a carb free diet for the next two weeks and see how it goes ( I will have to give myself a freebie for dim sum that's coming up a few weekends from now)
Anyway, the whole point is I have to wonder why I would try to sabotage myself this way. Am I such a drama queen that I need to bring myself to the brink of ill health just to feature myself in the role of a semi melodramatic heroine on her death bed? I once thought that I wouldn't live to be 35 - since I'm pass that age - is it a subconscious effort to right that prediction? I guess I could just cop out and say its just innately a human defect to destroy oneself or I could just say I'm 100% being STUPID and get over it.
We'll see which wins out...for now I am going to try and overcome my stupidity and get healthy finally... let's see how long my determination last.
On an upbeat note: I finally got my telephone at work - its the first day of my 4th week with the IRS and I've finally got an official phone that actually can make and receive calls....I guess things are already looking up.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Another new beginning?
Okay - I made a pact with myself that I would start blogging about my life - if for no one else to read - at least to keep a journal of sorts....well that pact was two years ago and I just got reminded that I haven't written since. I lasted about two weeks last time - so now I'm starting again....and where am I? Back to square one again - I just started a new job with the IRS - I've been with them for three weeks now and so far has impressed NO ONE. However, to look at the glass half full analogy - I remind myself that since I tic off the head of my dept the first week, forgot to show up for the staff meeting the second week, and was not able to complete my work session in the third week to the dismay of that same head of dept - I can't get any worst. I got no where to go but up! (Although I do have to say that last week there was an excuse - I was not about to drag my butt down to DC when there was a HIGH chance the train was not going to run in the afternoon and I would get stuck down there. - that's another story I won't go into).
As I was saying - it can't get any worst - so I'm going to see what next week brings.
In the mean time, I just spent an evening listening to Bryan Adam sing..... I don't know about the rest of the world but his raspy voice just run chills down my spine..... there's just something about that voice that makes his words even more potent. It also brought back a lot of memories of the eighties and nineties that I had thought I had put behind me. Does one ever forget one's first love? I swear if not for the profound sense of haunting I feel - I would laugh. Part of me is thinking I am reliving a very bad mtv music video - I hear the songs and see a re-run of my past running on and on with no way to shut it off. As to whether this is tragic or not still has to be seen - once upon a time - I would be a watering pot about now - so far the tears are staying at bay and I'm feeling both sorrow and acceptance.... maybe I have finally accepted that not every tragic thing that happens in life is a cross to bear forever and ever. Hmmm....or worst - I'm now so cynical - nothing affects me anymore. Well, I'll see what happens.
So - this is my life and I'm going to see how long I last with this bout of journalling....:-)
As I was saying - it can't get any worst - so I'm going to see what next week brings.
In the mean time, I just spent an evening listening to Bryan Adam sing..... I don't know about the rest of the world but his raspy voice just run chills down my spine..... there's just something about that voice that makes his words even more potent. It also brought back a lot of memories of the eighties and nineties that I had thought I had put behind me. Does one ever forget one's first love? I swear if not for the profound sense of haunting I feel - I would laugh. Part of me is thinking I am reliving a very bad mtv music video - I hear the songs and see a re-run of my past running on and on with no way to shut it off. As to whether this is tragic or not still has to be seen - once upon a time - I would be a watering pot about now - so far the tears are staying at bay and I'm feeling both sorrow and acceptance.... maybe I have finally accepted that not every tragic thing that happens in life is a cross to bear forever and ever. Hmmm....or worst - I'm now so cynical - nothing affects me anymore. Well, I'll see what happens.
So - this is my life and I'm going to see how long I last with this bout of journalling....:-)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Knowing when to walk away....
After my last fiasco of a relationship (mentioned earlier) - I was so totally disgusted with the whole concept of relationship - it took me 6 years before I was willing to try again. I don't know if I'm just a magnet for losers but I finally decide to take a chance earlier this year and started dating this guy......and even though things weren't the greatest - I was determined to give it a shot so that my friends can't say that I'm just doing the same old same old. I gave myself a pep talk about letting other's in and actually welcome him into my life. BIG MISTAKE - guess I should have realized that something was weird when he only called at the oddest times and explained that he couldn't call me when his family was in town....any communication from me was always ignored unless he realized he's push me as far as he could, then he would reach out - way weird - it was like I'm some secret he had to hide from his real life (and no, I don't think he's married but obviously got some serious issues) I ignored all of this - being determine to give it a chance.....needless to say - this continue to go downhill from that point on.....it got to the point where I was determined to end things but always chicken out and continue on all because I couldn't stand confrontation and was determined that I wasn't going to let a fail relationship get me down.....not realizing that by not walking away when I should have...I am, in a twisted way, allowing that fail relationhip to dictate my current behavior....before all of this, if I was dating a guy that acted this way, he would have been kicked to the curve a long time ago....but no, I take responsibility that I kept going and going long after this relationship should have been beaten to the ground....well, I obviously regain my common sense the other day and finally dumped the loser......it definitely was liberating and a good reminder to me that sometimes knowing when to walk away is just as important as knowing when to hold on.
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