Knowing when to walk away....

After my last fiasco of a relationship (mentioned earlier) - I was so totally disgusted with the whole concept of relationship - it took me 6 years before I was willing to try again. I don't know if I'm just a magnet for losers but I finally decide to take a chance earlier this year and started dating this guy......and even though things weren't the greatest - I was determined to give it a shot so that my friends can't say that I'm just doing the same old same old. I gave myself a pep talk about letting other's in and actually welcome him into my life. BIG MISTAKE - guess I should have realized that something was weird when he only called at the oddest times and explained that he couldn't call me when his family was in town....any communication from me was always ignored unless he realized he's push me as far as he could, then he would reach out - way weird - it was like I'm some secret he had to hide from his real life (and no, I don't think he's married but obviously got some serious issues) I ignored all of this - being determine to give it a chance.....needless to say - this continue to go downhill from that point on.....it got to the point where I was determined to end things but always chicken out and continue on all because I couldn't stand confrontation and was determined that I wasn't going to let a fail relationship get me down.....not realizing that by not walking away when I should have...I am, in a twisted way, allowing that fail relationhip to dictate my current behavior....before all of this, if I was dating a guy that acted this way, he would have been kicked to the curve a long time ago....but no, I take responsibility that I kept going and going long after this relationship should have been beaten to the ground....well, I obviously regain my common sense the other day and finally dumped the loser......it definitely was liberating and a good reminder to me that sometimes knowing when to walk away is just as important as knowing when to hold on.

Rakassah 2008

This past weekend, I spent it with my troupe members dancing at the annaul Rakassah East festival in Sommerset, NJ. We drove up on Saturday and spent plenty of time shopping for more additional bellydance stuff (as if I didn't have enough in my drawers now. :-)) then got ready for our performance on sunday afternoon.


By saturday evening - I was so exhausted - I was ready to collapse....between the drive and wandering around the shopping venue - food was definitely the only thing I was looking for aside from sleep. Both Katie and I looked like we definitely needed a dose of energy and I needed the wall to prop me up. The chinese restaurant we went to was good though...I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm up this way again. Hunan Delight had a favorite dish of mine that is offer nowhere else - rice cake....

Anyway, we made it through the evening with a lot of tossing and turning - I barely slept at all which probably wasn't good for getting ready to perform the next morning.

There is something to be said about going away together. It's a great way to get to know others, while I've always enjoy spending time with my troupe, this was a nice way to get to know them better and their idiosyncrasies...and them mine....yes, I concede - I'm a horribly cranky person and get irritated at a drop of a hat....hense I was dubbed the bossy dragon when I was being obnoxious, and sometimes the pensive dragon when I'm ignoring everyone and staring into space (which I'm sure most of my close friends are familiar with), but mostly as the momma dragon (with some affection I hope)....with three very hyper and precocious dragonetts. We spent most of the weekend cracking up over an inside joke that our happy dragon told us and for the rest of the trip - it became an inside joke that stayed and brought comradie to us all.

Annette is the happy dragon and you can tell from her joyful smile and arm up in the air. Allison is the coy dragon (look at the Diva stand :-)) and Katie (who did a fabulous job of leading this weekend) was dubbed the leo (or lea for girl) dragon...not sure why now....but anyhoo...they're ALL definitely precocious. Since I'm the one that tends to be more pensive - you can imagine they were running me ragged. ;-)

We had a fabulous time, and I was so psyched when we saw the video - we looked pretty good if I do say so myself. It was a nice little adventure.....do we not look good in our costume???

It has truly been a priviledge for me to dance with all of these lovely dragonettes. They kept the humor up even when we were all tire and when the practices were not going well. It has been a very good experience all around and I look forward to our next adventure.

Week 2 - 3

Week 2

So I didn't have time to post this until now, but my second week started nicely, I got my self a cube!!! Yay! They finally gave me a pc and I got to lug back all the junk that I had in my previous office and bring it over to decorate this new office. Gotta say though, they do have nice cubes....the furniture looks like a nice cherry wood, and my cube don't look like its cover in plastic as my other friend said so eloquently about her cube with the gov't. Still, I spent most of the week doing all these online courses....even the govt is starting to do the online thing to save on money....but let me say while I'm perfectly happy to do that...there are some courses that should JUST NOT be taken online...such as the ones I was taking.....too much involve understanding how contracts work and when there's no one to answer questions - it can be a pain.

Week 3
I really enjoy getting Columbus Day off and was thinking week 3 was starting out nicely...NOT...a rather unpleasant reminder of the past came up to me yesterday. One of the most traumatic relationship I had been involved in which ended pretty badly six years ago came back to haunt me. The relationship ended so badly my company had to change my email and phone number and told anyone calling in externally for me that I had moved to Califormia (the dude was persistent if nothing else - it was a bit scary being stalked) It got so bad, I had to move and change my cell number as well as email addresses. Anyway, in these years - I've avoided going back up north where we used to live and in the past two years or so have felt pretty safe and going about my business again. Yesterday, the voice I least want to hear called out my name. Someone must be having a good laugh up there - cause I was just minding my own business and waiting for the bus - I turned around and there he was - he called me three times - for a few second there I was almost tempted to pretend I didn't know him and that was not my name - then I thought about how nacisstic this guy was, and decided that it would probably be worst for me - so I just politely said hello - and agreed it has been a long time - it seems he works for Home land security now (I really have to question a govt who would hire this guy since he was a perpectual liar and fibbed a lot - I'm still wondering how he got clearance.) Anyway, just then a life line - my bus came and I said good bye.....last night I started thinking about the best way to avoid him and was working on resetting my schedule so I wouldn't bump into him again and then realized I was being stupid. If I rearrange my life - I would have to be saying he has power over me and that just was not worth it....besides I'm thinking for someone as narcisstic as him, he should have found himself another victim a long time ago.....I hate to say it but better her than me.....so while I might be looking over my shoulder for the next few weeks......hopefully he'll be relegated back to old nightmares best forgotten........

First Week with the government

My career with the govt is starting off nicely - NOT.

When I got to work on the first day, the nerves obviously were shot since I haven't worked for a new company in a decade and the thought of a new corporate culture was daunting. It got off to a most unexpected start - when I arrived - I call the HR rep to sign me in - She basically told me she had not expected me (even though I had confirm with her two weeks earlier AND she was the one who told me what time to come in.) I should have realized when she said that - things weren't going to be smooth. So she takes me to orientation - however since she wasn't expecting me - she had only one orientation package set up for someone else who was also starting. The other new hiree was hearing impair and the interpreter who was interpreting was brand spanking new and really was not very quick with her translation - so the HR rep went off to find someone else to finish orientation with me. She ends up pulling someone who has not done it in years and so basically I got a rather half baked orientation. I'm thinking to myself - not a good start.

So this rep escorts me to my boss' office and guess what? She was told I wasn't starting until Oct 14 - so she's not prepared for me either. So first day - I sat in the secretary's cube (she had just moved to a different location) and got no phone, no pc, nada......I'm thinking maybe this is just an oversight and things happen. I pretty much spent the day twiddling my thumb. Most of my boss staff was in training and so was not around. She did pull me around to talk with someone who seems to know quite a bit about the govt. The gentleman was quick to give me a low down of what and what not to expect.

I finally got a phone on day 2, and although my pc has finally been configured for me - its not going to be deliver until I have a cube space.....seems they have tons of space - its just still full of stuff from people had left (that's when I found out this division has a VERY high turn over rate). At last notification - I'm suppose to get my cube next week...yay....

The rest of the week was a bit chaotic although I learned quite a bit about the culture already when I had TWO people come up and offer advice about needing to slow down and not work too hard so that I don't built up expectations that I can't meet....huh???? Sheesh - at that point - all I was doing was a minor secretarial task for my boss and was typing something into the secretary's pc (I'm certain I'm the most expensive secretary ever. :-)) I can't decide whether the persons were trying to get me to NOT show them up or just truly thinks it makes sense to start off a new job by showing your boss you're lazy. I've heard that alot about the culture in the govt and I don't get it.....I mean why sabotage yourself.....I would think if you don't like it there - you would work extra hard so that you can have a reason to move on to a brighter and better place and if you like it there - more reason not to sabotage yourself at all.

Anyway, after hearing diff views from diff people - I think to survive a career in the govt without everyone around you hating you and trying to sabotage you is to just smile a happy smile to everyone and stay under the radar - maybe I'll come of this experience without too much bruising. :-) Key is to look stupid as if you don't have a brain until you need to show it. I'm not sure how long I can keep that up. :-)

Saying farewell to old job

Last week was my final week with my old company. I have been with this company for more than 13 years. I worked for one dept for more than 10 years and when I left that office - the feeling had been of "good riddance" - I couldn't wait to leave and felt no twinge about leaving my colleagues and friends I have met there. Yet, in the dept I've been working for in the past two years - a new set of emotions....while the opportunities ahead of me is something I look forward to, I will sincerely miss everyone I've worked with. They have kept me sane at the most challenging of times at a job that I wasn't necessarily crazy about - and they have been the reason that I've lasted as long as I have. At the farewell lunch as well as my last group meeting with the group - there were such sadness as well as laughter when we said our farewells. This group has been one of the best teams I've ever worked with and will miss them all very much. As part of a way to "express" their sadness in my leaving - my boss and the rest of the team felt the need to supplied me with some must have parting gifts such as a set of personal eye balls, handcuffs , fire marshall hat and my favorite - a real rubber chicken - I have to admit that while I was sad to be leaving such a wonderful group - the gifts were priceless...especially the voodoo containing rubber chicken. My ex boss Tim spent a bit of time explaining the interesting usage of a rubber chicken in the big scheme of things at an office. :-) The wonderful group of ladies I work with each day gave me a sweet send off and you can see the rubber chicken lying on the table..

What a way to start a new chapter.....

This morning, I was thinking to myself that now is the time to live - to start a new chapter with everything fresh and then what happens? I get into a car accident driving on the outer loop of the DC beltway.

I had just switch lanes, when another car tried to switch lane and cut in front of me - the car that was ahead of it had already started to break for whatever reason, the car in front of me breaked and I found myself with two option, either slamming into that car or swirve....guess where my car landed? I hit the slab of concrete that bracket the beltway - I'm actually thinking I was pretty lucky that barrier was there since there's a 10 foot drop down.

Front of my car looks like a sorry site with liquid under the car leaking out as I took a look at the damage. I have to admit - all those life time movies started to fill my head with the thought of a spark going and the car going boom. Luckily, that was just my imagination - of course I had the prudence to shut the car off just in case. I swear I almost thought I was in a movie - I'm on the phone with the insurance person when the cop taps on my door, and while attempting to open the passenger door - I almost knocked him over (great going!), after I spoke with him, I suddenly hear all these sirens...the next thing I know - I'm seeing an ambulance, TWO fire trucks pulling up....I stared with amazement at the cop and asked if they were here for me - he said yes....I was impressed...wow! and my car wasn't even up in flames....that's some serious response....of course the fact that I told them I didn't need any help was beside the point. I think I probably should have taken their offer to take a look at my injury since I started feeling pain right after they left......nothing huge...just slightly banged up - mostly my neck looks like a weird pattern has been imprinted on it or some serious hickeys (:-)) - mainly from the seat belt cutting into me....my knees are totally black and blue....this will teach me to sit so close to the dashboard.

Overall, what this is telling me is that no matter how much I want a fresh start with no mistakes...life happens anyway...so while I'm sitting here all banged up and stuck at home until I can rent a car on monday - I came to a realization that life is not too bad...I'm still alive to write about this.....and even though I would hate to buy a new car.....it is what it is and maybe somebody is up there telling me that maybe its time to get a new car for a new life.....(that's not to say I can't hope that the damage is not big enough for them to write it off - I love that old car of mine....its been with me for 7 years and I got it as I was heading for a fresh start then......) hmmmm....maybe that should be my gauge for when to start a new chapter....a new car.....

Starting new chapter in life

Two weeks ago - I was offered an opportunity with the gov't and have decided to accept this position. This will be the start of a brand new chapter. I've been with the same company for over 15 years - for better or worst - it has become the security blanket I cling to when things in my life goes wrong. To finally let go of this security blanket will be an experience that terrifies me - but one has to grow....I hope this opportunity will allow me to let go of all the same old same old and actually take a step into the water instead of treading the waters of life as I have done since as far back as I can remember.