Human Nature or just personal stupidity?

So, I've mentioned its been awhile since I blogged - actually the length of time is about the same amount of time since I really took good care of myself health wise. When I first started this blog - I had just started a new job, health had improved tremendously and I was on an up beat. My doctor had just finish congratulating me on the fact that almost all symptoms of my diabetes had disappeared.

Cut to two years later - I find myself in the same bad place again that I had thought I had moved past. I remember hearing somewhere that it is in our nature to destroy ourselves (hmmm....maybe from the terminator movie). I so agree - it was as if the doctor's pronouncement was an invitation to go crazy. I ate everything that I should never touch - anything that could be consider bad - I ignore what my inner self was telling me and kept consuming them...and of course with the timely demise of my glucometer - I didn't even need to scare myself back into good behavior. Of course I always have excuses such as I'm feeling down, depress, need my comfort food but ultimately it was just self indulgence to a dangerous level.

My doctor finally force me to get another glucometer last week and boy talk about an unpleasant realization. My sugar level had jumped to over 300...I've never been that bad even at my worst. So I told myself I would be good and of course self confidence is the worst thing to have when you have to discipline yourself. I woke up yesterday and checked myself and was delighted to see 135 as my sugar level and I'm thinking not bad - so what do I do but consume a couple of bowls of congee...now I may love carb but it definitely does not love me - by evening my sugar level has once again jumped up to 289 - which is freakin ridiculous considering as anyone who knows congee..... there's barely any rice in there or so I told myself.  Still - it was a painful reminder - so for today - I have not consume one iota of carb and my sugar level is back down. So I guess I'm going to try and make an effort - I'm going to give myself a carb free diet for the next two weeks and see how it goes ( I will have to give myself a freebie for dim sum that's coming up a few weekends from now)

Anyway, the whole point is I have to wonder why I would try to sabotage myself this way. Am I such a drama queen that I need to bring myself to the brink of ill health just to feature myself in the role of a semi melodramatic heroine on her death bed? I once thought that I wouldn't live to be 35 - since I'm pass that age - is it a subconscious effort to right that prediction? I guess I could just cop out and say its just innately a human defect to destroy oneself  or I could just say I'm 100% being STUPID and get over it.

We'll see which wins out...for now I am going to try and overcome my stupidity and get healthy finally... let's see how long my determination last.

On an upbeat note: I finally got my telephone at work - its the first day of my 4th week with the IRS and I've finally got an official phone that actually can make and receive calls....I guess things are already looking up.

Another new beginning?

Okay - I made a pact with myself that I would start blogging about my life - if for no one else to read - at least to keep a journal of sorts....well that pact was two years ago and I just got reminded that I haven't written since. I lasted about two weeks last time - so now I'm starting again....and where am I? Back to square one again - I just started a new job with the IRS - I've been with them for three weeks now and so far has impressed NO ONE. However, to look at the glass half full analogy - I remind myself that since I tic off the head of my dept the first week, forgot to show up for the  staff meeting the second week, and was not able to complete my work session in the third week to the dismay of that same head of dept - I can't get any worst.  I got no where to go but up! (Although I do have to say that last week there was an excuse - I was not about to drag my butt down to DC when there was a HIGH chance the train was not going to run in the afternoon and I would get stuck down there.  - that's another story I won't go into).

As I was saying - it can't get any worst - so I'm going to see what next week brings.

In the mean time, I just spent an evening listening to Bryan Adam sing..... I don't know about the rest of the world but his raspy voice just run chills down my spine..... there's just something about that voice that makes his words even more potent. It also brought back a lot of memories of the eighties and nineties that I had thought I had put behind me. Does one ever forget one's first love? I swear if not for the profound sense of haunting I feel - I would laugh. Part of me is thinking I am reliving a very bad mtv music video - I hear the songs and see a re-run of my past running on and on with no way to shut it off.  As to whether this is tragic or not still has to be seen - once upon a time - I would be a watering pot about now - so far the tears are staying at bay and I'm feeling both sorrow and acceptance.... maybe I have finally accepted that not every tragic thing that happens in life is a cross to bear forever and ever. Hmmm....or worst - I'm now so cynical - nothing affects me anymore.  Well, I'll see what happens.

So - this is my life and I'm going to see how long I last with this bout of journalling....:-)