Human Nature or just personal stupidity?

So, I've mentioned its been awhile since I blogged - actually the length of time is about the same amount of time since I really took good care of myself health wise. When I first started this blog - I had just started a new job, health had improved tremendously and I was on an up beat. My doctor had just finish congratulating me on the fact that almost all symptoms of my diabetes had disappeared.

Cut to two years later - I find myself in the same bad place again that I had thought I had moved past. I remember hearing somewhere that it is in our nature to destroy ourselves (hmmm....maybe from the terminator movie). I so agree - it was as if the doctor's pronouncement was an invitation to go crazy. I ate everything that I should never touch - anything that could be consider bad - I ignore what my inner self was telling me and kept consuming them...and of course with the timely demise of my glucometer - I didn't even need to scare myself back into good behavior. Of course I always have excuses such as I'm feeling down, depress, need my comfort food but ultimately it was just self indulgence to a dangerous level.

My doctor finally force me to get another glucometer last week and boy talk about an unpleasant realization. My sugar level had jumped to over 300...I've never been that bad even at my worst. So I told myself I would be good and of course self confidence is the worst thing to have when you have to discipline yourself. I woke up yesterday and checked myself and was delighted to see 135 as my sugar level and I'm thinking not bad - so what do I do but consume a couple of bowls of congee...now I may love carb but it definitely does not love me - by evening my sugar level has once again jumped up to 289 - which is freakin ridiculous considering as anyone who knows congee..... there's barely any rice in there or so I told myself.  Still - it was a painful reminder - so for today - I have not consume one iota of carb and my sugar level is back down. So I guess I'm going to try and make an effort - I'm going to give myself a carb free diet for the next two weeks and see how it goes ( I will have to give myself a freebie for dim sum that's coming up a few weekends from now)

Anyway, the whole point is I have to wonder why I would try to sabotage myself this way. Am I such a drama queen that I need to bring myself to the brink of ill health just to feature myself in the role of a semi melodramatic heroine on her death bed? I once thought that I wouldn't live to be 35 - since I'm pass that age - is it a subconscious effort to right that prediction? I guess I could just cop out and say its just innately a human defect to destroy oneself  or I could just say I'm 100% being STUPID and get over it.

We'll see which wins out...for now I am going to try and overcome my stupidity and get healthy finally... let's see how long my determination last.

On an upbeat note: I finally got my telephone at work - its the first day of my 4th week with the IRS and I've finally got an official phone that actually can make and receive calls....I guess things are already looking up.

Another new beginning?

Okay - I made a pact with myself that I would start blogging about my life - if for no one else to read - at least to keep a journal of sorts....well that pact was two years ago and I just got reminded that I haven't written since. I lasted about two weeks last time - so now I'm starting again....and where am I? Back to square one again - I just started a new job with the IRS - I've been with them for three weeks now and so far has impressed NO ONE. However, to look at the glass half full analogy - I remind myself that since I tic off the head of my dept the first week, forgot to show up for the  staff meeting the second week, and was not able to complete my work session in the third week to the dismay of that same head of dept - I can't get any worst.  I got no where to go but up! (Although I do have to say that last week there was an excuse - I was not about to drag my butt down to DC when there was a HIGH chance the train was not going to run in the afternoon and I would get stuck down there.  - that's another story I won't go into).

As I was saying - it can't get any worst - so I'm going to see what next week brings.

In the mean time, I just spent an evening listening to Bryan Adam sing..... I don't know about the rest of the world but his raspy voice just run chills down my spine..... there's just something about that voice that makes his words even more potent. It also brought back a lot of memories of the eighties and nineties that I had thought I had put behind me. Does one ever forget one's first love? I swear if not for the profound sense of haunting I feel - I would laugh. Part of me is thinking I am reliving a very bad mtv music video - I hear the songs and see a re-run of my past running on and on with no way to shut it off.  As to whether this is tragic or not still has to be seen - once upon a time - I would be a watering pot about now - so far the tears are staying at bay and I'm feeling both sorrow and acceptance.... maybe I have finally accepted that not every tragic thing that happens in life is a cross to bear forever and ever. Hmmm....or worst - I'm now so cynical - nothing affects me anymore.  Well, I'll see what happens.

So - this is my life and I'm going to see how long I last with this bout of journalling....:-)

Knowing when to walk away....

After my last fiasco of a relationship (mentioned earlier) - I was so totally disgusted with the whole concept of relationship - it took me 6 years before I was willing to try again. I don't know if I'm just a magnet for losers but I finally decide to take a chance earlier this year and started dating this guy......and even though things weren't the greatest - I was determined to give it a shot so that my friends can't say that I'm just doing the same old same old. I gave myself a pep talk about letting other's in and actually welcome him into my life. BIG MISTAKE - guess I should have realized that something was weird when he only called at the oddest times and explained that he couldn't call me when his family was in town....any communication from me was always ignored unless he realized he's push me as far as he could, then he would reach out - way weird - it was like I'm some secret he had to hide from his real life (and no, I don't think he's married but obviously got some serious issues) I ignored all of this - being determine to give it a chance.....needless to say - this continue to go downhill from that point on.....it got to the point where I was determined to end things but always chicken out and continue on all because I couldn't stand confrontation and was determined that I wasn't going to let a fail relationship get me down.....not realizing that by not walking away when I should have...I am, in a twisted way, allowing that fail relationhip to dictate my current behavior....before all of this, if I was dating a guy that acted this way, he would have been kicked to the curve a long time ago....but no, I take responsibility that I kept going and going long after this relationship should have been beaten to the ground....well, I obviously regain my common sense the other day and finally dumped the loser......it definitely was liberating and a good reminder to me that sometimes knowing when to walk away is just as important as knowing when to hold on.

Rakassah 2008

This past weekend, I spent it with my troupe members dancing at the annaul Rakassah East festival in Sommerset, NJ. We drove up on Saturday and spent plenty of time shopping for more additional bellydance stuff (as if I didn't have enough in my drawers now. :-)) then got ready for our performance on sunday afternoon.


By saturday evening - I was so exhausted - I was ready to collapse....between the drive and wandering around the shopping venue - food was definitely the only thing I was looking for aside from sleep. Both Katie and I looked like we definitely needed a dose of energy and I needed the wall to prop me up. The chinese restaurant we went to was good though...I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm up this way again. Hunan Delight had a favorite dish of mine that is offer nowhere else - rice cake....

Anyway, we made it through the evening with a lot of tossing and turning - I barely slept at all which probably wasn't good for getting ready to perform the next morning.

There is something to be said about going away together. It's a great way to get to know others, while I've always enjoy spending time with my troupe, this was a nice way to get to know them better and their idiosyncrasies...and them mine....yes, I concede - I'm a horribly cranky person and get irritated at a drop of a hat....hense I was dubbed the bossy dragon when I was being obnoxious, and sometimes the pensive dragon when I'm ignoring everyone and staring into space (which I'm sure most of my close friends are familiar with), but mostly as the momma dragon (with some affection I hope)....with three very hyper and precocious dragonetts. We spent most of the weekend cracking up over an inside joke that our happy dragon told us and for the rest of the trip - it became an inside joke that stayed and brought comradie to us all.

Annette is the happy dragon and you can tell from her joyful smile and arm up in the air. Allison is the coy dragon (look at the Diva stand :-)) and Katie (who did a fabulous job of leading this weekend) was dubbed the leo (or lea for girl) dragon...not sure why now....but anyhoo...they're ALL definitely precocious. Since I'm the one that tends to be more pensive - you can imagine they were running me ragged. ;-)

We had a fabulous time, and I was so psyched when we saw the video - we looked pretty good if I do say so myself. It was a nice little adventure.....do we not look good in our costume???

It has truly been a priviledge for me to dance with all of these lovely dragonettes. They kept the humor up even when we were all tire and when the practices were not going well. It has been a very good experience all around and I look forward to our next adventure.

Week 2 - 3

Week 2

So I didn't have time to post this until now, but my second week started nicely, I got my self a cube!!! Yay! They finally gave me a pc and I got to lug back all the junk that I had in my previous office and bring it over to decorate this new office. Gotta say though, they do have nice cubes....the furniture looks like a nice cherry wood, and my cube don't look like its cover in plastic as my other friend said so eloquently about her cube with the gov't. Still, I spent most of the week doing all these online courses....even the govt is starting to do the online thing to save on money....but let me say while I'm perfectly happy to do that...there are some courses that should JUST NOT be taken online...such as the ones I was taking.....too much involve understanding how contracts work and when there's no one to answer questions - it can be a pain.

Week 3
I really enjoy getting Columbus Day off and was thinking week 3 was starting out nicely...NOT...a rather unpleasant reminder of the past came up to me yesterday. One of the most traumatic relationship I had been involved in which ended pretty badly six years ago came back to haunt me. The relationship ended so badly my company had to change my email and phone number and told anyone calling in externally for me that I had moved to Califormia (the dude was persistent if nothing else - it was a bit scary being stalked) It got so bad, I had to move and change my cell number as well as email addresses. Anyway, in these years - I've avoided going back up north where we used to live and in the past two years or so have felt pretty safe and going about my business again. Yesterday, the voice I least want to hear called out my name. Someone must be having a good laugh up there - cause I was just minding my own business and waiting for the bus - I turned around and there he was - he called me three times - for a few second there I was almost tempted to pretend I didn't know him and that was not my name - then I thought about how nacisstic this guy was, and decided that it would probably be worst for me - so I just politely said hello - and agreed it has been a long time - it seems he works for Home land security now (I really have to question a govt who would hire this guy since he was a perpectual liar and fibbed a lot - I'm still wondering how he got clearance.) Anyway, just then a life line - my bus came and I said good bye.....last night I started thinking about the best way to avoid him and was working on resetting my schedule so I wouldn't bump into him again and then realized I was being stupid. If I rearrange my life - I would have to be saying he has power over me and that just was not worth it....besides I'm thinking for someone as narcisstic as him, he should have found himself another victim a long time ago.....I hate to say it but better her than me.....so while I might be looking over my shoulder for the next few weeks......hopefully he'll be relegated back to old nightmares best forgotten........

First Week with the government

My career with the govt is starting off nicely - NOT.

When I got to work on the first day, the nerves obviously were shot since I haven't worked for a new company in a decade and the thought of a new corporate culture was daunting. It got off to a most unexpected start - when I arrived - I call the HR rep to sign me in - She basically told me she had not expected me (even though I had confirm with her two weeks earlier AND she was the one who told me what time to come in.) I should have realized when she said that - things weren't going to be smooth. So she takes me to orientation - however since she wasn't expecting me - she had only one orientation package set up for someone else who was also starting. The other new hiree was hearing impair and the interpreter who was interpreting was brand spanking new and really was not very quick with her translation - so the HR rep went off to find someone else to finish orientation with me. She ends up pulling someone who has not done it in years and so basically I got a rather half baked orientation. I'm thinking to myself - not a good start.

So this rep escorts me to my boss' office and guess what? She was told I wasn't starting until Oct 14 - so she's not prepared for me either. So first day - I sat in the secretary's cube (she had just moved to a different location) and got no phone, no pc, nada......I'm thinking maybe this is just an oversight and things happen. I pretty much spent the day twiddling my thumb. Most of my boss staff was in training and so was not around. She did pull me around to talk with someone who seems to know quite a bit about the govt. The gentleman was quick to give me a low down of what and what not to expect.

I finally got a phone on day 2, and although my pc has finally been configured for me - its not going to be deliver until I have a cube space.....seems they have tons of space - its just still full of stuff from people had left (that's when I found out this division has a VERY high turn over rate). At last notification - I'm suppose to get my cube next week...yay....

The rest of the week was a bit chaotic although I learned quite a bit about the culture already when I had TWO people come up and offer advice about needing to slow down and not work too hard so that I don't built up expectations that I can't meet....huh???? Sheesh - at that point - all I was doing was a minor secretarial task for my boss and was typing something into the secretary's pc (I'm certain I'm the most expensive secretary ever. :-)) I can't decide whether the persons were trying to get me to NOT show them up or just truly thinks it makes sense to start off a new job by showing your boss you're lazy. I've heard that alot about the culture in the govt and I don't get it.....I mean why sabotage yourself.....I would think if you don't like it there - you would work extra hard so that you can have a reason to move on to a brighter and better place and if you like it there - more reason not to sabotage yourself at all.

Anyway, after hearing diff views from diff people - I think to survive a career in the govt without everyone around you hating you and trying to sabotage you is to just smile a happy smile to everyone and stay under the radar - maybe I'll come of this experience without too much bruising. :-) Key is to look stupid as if you don't have a brain until you need to show it. I'm not sure how long I can keep that up. :-)

Saying farewell to old job

Last week was my final week with my old company. I have been with this company for more than 13 years. I worked for one dept for more than 10 years and when I left that office - the feeling had been of "good riddance" - I couldn't wait to leave and felt no twinge about leaving my colleagues and friends I have met there. Yet, in the dept I've been working for in the past two years - a new set of emotions....while the opportunities ahead of me is something I look forward to, I will sincerely miss everyone I've worked with. They have kept me sane at the most challenging of times at a job that I wasn't necessarily crazy about - and they have been the reason that I've lasted as long as I have. At the farewell lunch as well as my last group meeting with the group - there were such sadness as well as laughter when we said our farewells. This group has been one of the best teams I've ever worked with and will miss them all very much. As part of a way to "express" their sadness in my leaving - my boss and the rest of the team felt the need to supplied me with some must have parting gifts such as a set of personal eye balls, handcuffs , fire marshall hat and my favorite - a real rubber chicken - I have to admit that while I was sad to be leaving such a wonderful group - the gifts were priceless...especially the voodoo containing rubber chicken. My ex boss Tim spent a bit of time explaining the interesting usage of a rubber chicken in the big scheme of things at an office. :-) The wonderful group of ladies I work with each day gave me a sweet send off and you can see the rubber chicken lying on the table..